It’s a hard-knock-life for the “single and ready to mingle” women of my generation. Speaking as one of those very women in the not too distant past, I can vouch for the honesty of that statement.
Less that a year ago, I was one of the most eligible bachelorettes in and around the Queen City (…lol , right?). I made no hesitation when it came to talking to new guys, meeting new friends, and going on “first dates” (mainly for the free beer and sometimes interesting conversation). I got over the embarrassment of internet dating, and unintentionally became an expert at navigating my way around OK Cupid and Tinder.
Pause. Let’s talk about Tinder for a moment.
If you’ve ever wondered where to find some of the most desperate, impolite, and I-can’t-believe-you-made-it-this-far-in-life men, download Tinder on your phone. It’s extremely easy – it connects to your Facebook so you don’t even have to put effort into creating your own dating profile. I guess this is ideal for most people, since Tinder is mainly used as a “hook-up” site. Regardless, the fact that it’s a “no-effort” dating service speaks volumes about the types of people using it. (The majority of people using it, anyway).
I came to learn very quickly that using this app wouldn’t get me very far in finding a suitable partner, and I quickly gave up hope. I didn’t delete the app, however, because some of the messages I would receive were too disgustingly hilarious to miss out on. For the record, I would never respond to the messages that were desperate or nearly pornographic, but just the fact that people had the nerve to send them would keep my interest. When I finally decided to delete my account, I saved some of the most humorous and vulgar messages to my phone so I could show my friends just how desperate some of the guys were, and we would always get a good laugh out of it. Unfortunately, my phone was stolen a few months later, and none of the screen-shots that I captured were backed up to my computer.
At this point, though, I didn’t care that I lost them. I was in a rapidly growing relationship with someone that I met the old-fashioned way – a blind date set up by his mother, whom I worked with at the time.
Which brings me to my next point – if you decide to become involved in a serious relationship with somebody, make sure that they have a good sense of humor and share your hatred of the human race. (Maybe that’s a little intense…okay, not the whole human race. Just the majority.)
To get to the point of this story, let me tell you a little bit about my boyfriend, Taylor. He works from home and deals with both the respectable and not-so-respectable sides of the internet on a daily basis, so he’s not ignorant of the type of people who spend their days being assholes online. He works in Technology, so naturally he’s a nerd like myself. Also, since he works in Technology, he always has the latest gadgets and high-tech equipment on the market.
A few days ago, he received a super awesome smart watch in the mail. The next evening, while I was sitting in bed watching TV, Taylor blurted out the most ridiculous words I’ve ever heard him say:
“Oh, sweet! You can download Tinder for Android wear…I’m downloading it on my watch.”
THANKS, BABE. That’s an awesome thing to tell your GIRLFRIEND.
He laughed and reassured me that he only wanted to download it to see what it looked like on his watch. I played along, and responded by telling him that I was going to download it on my phone to see if my account was still somehow active.
Strangely enough, my account was never deleted, only frozen. I didn’t have any of my old messages anymore, so I decided to try and have some fun and find another desperate guy hiding behind his keyboard looking for a “good time”. It wasn’t that hard to do – I began right-swiping every single profile that popped up without hesitation, and after about 10 minutes I had over 100 matches.
Side note: If you’re not familiar with the way that Tinder works, you can only “match” with someone, message, or receive messages from someone if you “like” them and they also “like” you back. Swiping a person’s picture to the right signifies that you “like” them.
The messages started flowing in like never before. Many of them were a simple “hey”, or “wassup”, but it wasn’t long before more interesting messages arrived in my inbox.
When I finally received a first-contact message that included the words “flesh rocket” and “hot pocket”, I leaned over to Taylor and we almost simultaneously decided to troll the shit out of any asshole that thinks being vulgar is an appropriate way to talk to a woman. (Here’s where having a boyfriend with an amazing sense of humor comes in).
It started with simple responses to the worst messages, and quickly morphed into drawn out conversations with random people. Sometimes the guys would play along, and sometimes they were either too naive or sex-driven to see past the charade. Regardless, it was the most fun and laugh-filled couple of hours I’ve had in a while.
Here are some of the conversations:
This guy thought he was funny.
And this guy…there are no words.
This one caught on…
And this guy gets the award for the worst pick-up line of all time.
Part of me felt bad for playing with people’s emotions…
Because some guys were actually nice…
My whole point to writing about this is to hopefully shed some light on the way that so-called “men” speak to women. I don’t care if you’re looking for a lasting relationship or a one-night-stand, it’s not flattering, appropriate, or polite to approach a girl with any of the God awful lines that I received last night (the worst of which aren’t posted here…I couldn’t stand to do it). I would love to see statistics on how many men actually get what they’re looking for (read: get laid) when they introduce themselves using pick-up lines about their genitalia. If you’re the type of girl who finds that attractive, then I guess the only thing I have to say to you is that you deserve better. There are real gentlemen out there who don’t have to resort to using their dicks to draw your attention. Guys, stop acting like idiots and start acting like gentlemen. This world would be such a better place.
I’m going to close with one last screen-shot. This was one of the least appealing messages I received all night, and (in my opinion) the best response that I generated.